How to: Grow a Deployment ‘Stache

Supplies needed: lip, comb, unsubstantiated feelings of invincibility.

Inspire your lipular hair to grow by exposing it to great mustaches of the past. Teddy Roosevelt, Chuck Norris, Ron Burgundy—each of these men gained strength from the hairy growth upon which their nose rested.

Eat more meat. Hair is largely composed of keratin, a protein made up of amino acids. To make keratin, your body needs protein. Eating more meat will also promote not sucking at life.

Try harder. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. This isn’t a diagnostic PT test we’re talking about—this really matters.

Think hairy thoughts.

Comb your crumb catcher. Having a fantastic follicle factory is not enough. You have to coif its product. You wouldn’t walk into a firefight unprepared—don’t go into a mustache fight uncombed. Wait, what?

Just sit around for a while. Finally—something even an Air Force guy could be good at.

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